im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
