20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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