3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
