my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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