I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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