I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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