evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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