the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
