my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
