Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
