Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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