Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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