i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
