I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
