So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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