I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
