Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
