I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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