Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize