i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
