I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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