I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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