Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
