She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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