it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
COCAINE IS GR8
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
