Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
