I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
