Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
