i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
