The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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