I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
