Cold hands, warm shart.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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