i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
