haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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