also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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