"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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