if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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