Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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