...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
