I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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