wanna go halves on a baby?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Randomize
