I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Jerry, you need to find god
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
