You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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