we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
