life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
