who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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