We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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