Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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