i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize