my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
