Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
