hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
