who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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