I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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