Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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