The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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