I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
