He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
