none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
