Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
me + whiskey = a bad person
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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