went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
